Originally printed in TWERP#2.
Sorry Most Valued Customer
by Kenny Ramos
People like you come to my workplace mucking it all up. Is there a bizarre satisfaction I don’t understand in ruining someone’s day? Or am I just not cut out for the job? Thankfully, slicing tomatoes and assembling sandwiches is painless, yet you continue to insist on making it feel like surgery without anesthesia. I may be here to serve you bud, but I’m not a servant.
Worst of all, when the gnashing of teeth is finally over, there it is: no tip. Even after racking up a hefty bill, making incessant alterations to your order and coming in with less than five minutes before close: no tip. Despite swiftly fulfilling everything you ask of me whenever you ask of me: no tip. I really shouldn’t sound so ungrateful, it’s not who I am as a person. There are traits I do enjoy whenever customers like you visit though.
The way you callously talk down to me like I’m a dipshit is a favorite. I have a great memory from an afternoon in July 2015. It was blistering and you looked like a swollen thumb. Meanwhile, I was nursing a hangover hidden inside a food truck. Your dumpy tour group came out of Harvard Yard just in time to eat, drink and hassle; I knew right as you walked up I had something to look forward to.
With no pause, your puffy hand extended towards my chest with a dollar clenched in between and demanded, “Give me four quarters.”
Meanwhile, I thought, “Whose man are you? Why is there saliva on your lip after you speak? I’m great thank you.” I told you that there weren’t enough quarters in the register. You groaned and repeated your demand. Again, I calmly told you why I couldn’t fulfill your request, but I knew this wouldn’t satisfy your entitlement. I saw the tantrum coming.
Beads of sweat inflated from your forehead as your lips tightened causing your head to thrash. Oh, I really did it this time by doing my job today. Here I am existing to inconvenience you right? That’s what people like you believe after all.
“I’M NOT BUYING SHIT FROM YOU,” you berated. You impressed me with how clever you were for not falling for it. My scam where I’m paid a sad wage to fleece tourists of their money. I’m here serving up dishonesty. The customer’s always right because it’s always the employees who ruin everything, and if they don’t give you what you want, the business is a sham.
That afternoon, you strutted off sunburnt and proud, revealing to everyone that I was the true scammer. I stood there unrattled and robotic, like an experienced petty crook would. Automatically, I moved on to the next would-be victim behind you in line to scam again. It’s cruel that people like me exist and continue to cheat others daily with no harm done.
Luckily, there’s no shortage of people like you: a hero citizen. Scold me and spit on me. Save your cash and yell at me instead.
Kenny Ramos 