Your Day Off

Originally printed in TWERP#1.

Your Day Off

by Kenny Ramos

 

Maybe it’s the freakin’ weekend, you got blessed with an off day or you’ve called out of work in typical slimeball fashion. You don’t own anything with a motor, so you’re not going very far, and the work week has you beat enough that the idea of doing something physically draining rules itself out too. You’ve been scraping and clawing for this day all week, so don’t blow it by setting out to break world records or see this as a moment for personal growth and adjustment. Furthermore, wasting away in bed has completely lost its appeal along with your favorite vids on insert preferred x-rated tube site. So what do you do?

First, you awaken the group chat with an obligatory “what’s good?” text followed up with your favorite emoji (ghost with tongue out). Corresponding texts along the lines of “work but i’m out soon,” “bored af come hang,” and “not much u” are the common responses. It’s evident your friends want to meet up, but where?

Restaurants and cafes cost money, and it’s still too early for the bar just yet, so fall back. Also, your apartment’s a sauna-like mess and you know it. Don’t worry though, you’re not entirely shit-out-of-luck. The local public park may be your saving grace. Remember: public means free. No cover, bring your own entertainment (weed, beer and basketball) and it’s open at any time because “closes at dusk” doesn’t really mean anything. Also, there’s enough space for everyone, so you can always avoid bumming out that family peacefully having a bbq. Once you’ve all become totally winded after a 20 minute game of half-court basketball, or something like that, it’ll probably/hopefully be getting dark out.

If the sun’s still brighter than your average middle schooler’s future, cool off. Jump in a hotel/neighborhood pool, take an ice-cold shower or hold a hose 5 inches from your face then let it rip. To die young is tragic, so don’t let that be you on the local news being hospitalized for a heat stroke. As you purify yourself not in the waters of Lake Minnetonka doing a classic dead man’s float, utilize this time by making it last as long as you can. It’s the closest thing to a spa that you’ll come across.

After that ethereal moment, freshen up with a nice BYO all gluten sandwich from your local deli. Top off your sub with some fine Boar’s Head cold cuts and all of the toppings- lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, oregano, vinegar, oil and mayo, which are all-inclusive. If that’s not enough, toss a bag of hot cheetos or salt n vinegar chips on the counter as your side dish. There might not be some nice plating to go along with your meal or fine outdoor patio dining, but eating somewhere on Harvard or Brighton Avenue an earshot away from busking vagrants is close enough. If you’re getting thirsty and need a libation, make a run to the liquor store for some tall boys and nips  to wash down that meal. Also, feel free to use this time to pick up a pack because you know you’ll want them later despite this being the thirteenth time you’ve quit.

By around 10 it’s bar time. Don’t be so bold as to try a new place because it’s not that type of night. Plus, you’ll just end up overpaying for a shitty IPA while awkwardly scanning the entire bar like the fucking Terminator with a dopey grin on trying to look approachable.  Also, “I Took A Pill In Ibiza” is definitely playing as all of this goes on, and you still don’t know what to do with your arms. No, tonight is all about comfort and familiarity. It’s about the cash-only bar you return to for plenty of cheap lager and strong mixed drinks. You and your buds are out to repeat a very specific night out; it’s one that deserves countless victory laps because it’s so near and dear. Your crew may not be able to buy a table with bottle service at the club, but no one parties harder than your friends at your local bar.

It was a day well spent. Relaxing? Sure. Mediocre? Maybe to some. Either way, it was the best you could do without trying too hard. Whether you’re getting laid or not tonight, you’ll be content tomorrow as you stroll back into work.